May 22, 2023

I'm so tired. I've been so busy lately, but I think the busyness is taking a break for the next week or so before picking back up again. This past weekend we had my brother-in-law's wedding which I've been looking forward to. I love weddings: the romanticism, the drinking, the dancing, the cake. What's not to like? Before the wedding, I'd ordered two dresses to try on because I didn't feel like I had anything that fit the venue. Both dresses came and I loved them both, like they look amazing on me. So I kept both. I took hours to get ready but I was sooo so happy with how I looked in the end. Some of my husband's family I haven't seen since our wedding (4 years ago) flew in for the wedding so I felt like I needed to look presentable...

The ceremony itself was nice, really beautiful scenery. But unfortunately for me, the timing of everything worked out really badly for my bladder. The pre-wedding photos were taking longer than expected, so I had thought I'd be able to go pee after family photos and before the ceremony, but it didn't work out that way so I just had to hold it. When that ceremony ended I was hurting lol anyway, after that the food was fine, open bar of course (I'm sorry but I can't believe this isn't the cultural norm everywhere v.v), BUT! we forgot to eat cake. I was disappointed.

When they finally opened the dance floor, a handful of people danced for like a song or two, then everyone started leaving. I'd already had a few drinks at that point so I didn't mind my husband and I being (literally) the only two people dancing, even if I did have to drag him out there a couple times lol but in the end, it was just me, my husband, his parents, the bride's parents, and a few of my husband's uncles and aunts from Korea who rode with my MIL and FIL. Plus the bride and groom, but they were missing a lot of the time anyway for photos. So they ended up actually shutting it down 30 minutes earlier than orignially planned ;~; then they kicked us all out for a private bride and groom dance. So we're leaving the building, and as we're going my husband and I look at each other, realizing that we're hearing a very familiar tune.

Before the wedding, my husband's brother was asking my husband for advice on picking music for the wedding and all that, so my husband told him how we picked ours and set it all up and gave an example with the song that we used for our processional. I think I've mentioned it on here before that we picked the song for carefully thought out and personal reasons. Obviously we're huge FF fans, but also have had a Squall-Rinoa dynamic throught the highs and lows of our relationship. I know anyone reading this is probably cringing so hard but this is me, sorry ;~; ANYWAY, we were both absolutely fucking shocked at what we were hearing. Violated was the best word I could come up with to describe it. My BIL's wife has never even played a FF game, so how could the song be meaningful to the both of them? I was pissed lol just like flabbergasted that it could even have happened? He KNEW it was important and personal to us, so why, I just couldn't (and still don't) understand. My husband felt really weird and hurt by it too, and he's very much not the easily sentimental or hurt type. So far we're just sitting on it, letting a little time pass, and then my husband plans to talk to him and let him know we were really taken aback by it and find out what his reasoning for it (and not even giving us a heads up) was. I am glad to be married to someone who keeps me cool and manages to help me find less... aggressive and impassioned ways of making a point. If it were up to me, I would've waited in the parking lot for them to come out and probably cry while yelling if I'm honest.

After we left, I even texted my friend, like "do you think I'm just being immature or is this actually a weird thing to do?" and she agreed it was weird. If I were a better or more mature person, maybe I would be unbothered. But I am decidedly not a better or more mature person and here I stand.

My disappointment about forgetting to eat cake at least was happily resolved because we had another event the following day and got some (really good) cake there. It was an anniversary party for the woman who basically raised me and her husband. I saw lots of friends of theirs who haven't seen me since I was a kid and who my husband has never met, so it was nice. My parents were there too.

My dog ate some grass when I took him out earlier and I'm afraid he's going to throw up in a bit. His stomach is making gross sounds and he likes to eat grass and then throw it up. Dogs are weird sometimes. Also I have a headache and I'm still tired and some feelings I can't figure out. I've been feeling a little on auto-pilot today. I think I often feel this way after work. Sometimes it's so extreme that I feel like I just zone out on the drive home and somehow arrive at home. My husband is picking up Taco Bell for dinner so at least we don't have to cook.

Taco Bell actually used to be my favorite fast food place. It was cheap, easy, and when I was still vegetarian it was easy to get food I could eat. Plus I love Baja Blast and I love(d) quesaritos. If you don't frequent Taco Bell, you may not even know that you CANNOT order quesaritos anymore. A few years ago they made them an "online exclusive" item, but maybe a month or two ago they got rid of them completely. It was heartbreaking for me, but the price of them had gotten so high that I honestly didn't order them often these days anyway. I really don't go to Taco Bell much at all these days because it's just not particularly cheap anymore. The cravings box isn't so bad though, and usually can be enough food for two. All fast food is just too expensive these days.

May 10, 2023

I'm a mod for a small subreddit (please don't bully me ^^') and I think I want to quit. It's a small sub, so it's not that the workload is really all that much, it's that my co-mods are not pulling their weight. I think it's more a matter of principle that's making me upset about it. Even though there's not usually a lot of work to be done, I'm annoyed that it always ends up falling to me. Lately I've been telling them I'm busy with other stuff (which is true) and asking them to take care of things, but they simply don't do it. Now here I am again having to do something I asked them to do 4 days ago because it seems it won't get done otherwise.

It's a nice little community and I obviously care a lot about it, but I can't help but feel taken advantage of... I just did the math and I have done 62% of all mod activity in the sub over the past year (70% if you don't count simple comments or posts as "mod activity"). I'd expect closer to a 33/33/33 split. Maybe if I quit they'll step up, or (more likely) they'll let the sub flounder like so many do. But also maybe it shouldn't be my problem anymore? I want to spend less time online anyway, so maybe I should just delete my account and ghost. But that feels like an immature option. All I've done so far is suggest getting another mod "because we seem to be having trouble getting things done". One of the two hasn't even responded to any messages in months but had the nerve to post asking for support after his breakup when the sub has nothing to do with that... I being unkind? I am a bit uptight when it comes to teamwork and relying on vs. inconveniencing others. It's funny, as someone with ADHD who struggles to get most things done, that I can be judgemental on this part. But you better believe if I'm working as part of a team, I always do my part and then some. Inconveniencing people is one of my greatest fears, and I can't stand when others do it carelessly. Of course there are times that we all must inconvenience other people, but I'm obviously not talking about those circumstances.

I guess I should be glad this kind of thing isn't really a problem at my actual paid job. Luckily at work I'm able to work pretty much entirely independent without having to rely on others. It suits me best that way (though I'd probably prefer some kind of work where I'd be my own boss). And, even though I do most of my work alone, I get along well with everyone and mostly like the people in my department, so it's not so bad even when I do need to work with others.

I feel better after venting about this here and to my husband. It's really not that big of a deal in the big picture, is it? Oh, and like I mentioned earlier I'm trying to spend less useless time on the internet. I set up Leechblock to only allow me 70 minutes combined on all my most time-wasting sites each day. I've had screen time blocks set up on my phone for ages, but I'm going to make a concentrated effort to stop overriding them every day. Wish me luck, my willpower is... not the best usually. But today I was able to get everything on my to do list done and I spend a good bit of time actually reading my book. I've been "reading" the same book for the past few months, going weeks at a time not reading a single page because I've been wasting so much time online. I have to break the habit ;~;

I've also been going on a daily walk for the past couple of weeks. Aside from the pollen, it's been really nice. It's good to get outside and move a little when I'm able to. It usually makes me feel like things aren't all that bad after all.

Also, I want the Neocities follower notifications back! I don't know who has been following me and I'd like to know. I liked using those notifications to find sites to check out. It's crazy that this complete non-issue can be "fixed" but he can't fix the absolute bullshit shadowban system. Did you know that if 4 people block you on Neocities you get shadowbanned? It's true! 4 whole people have that power! By being shadowbanned, you no longer show up on the global activity page and can't comment on people's updates unless you're mutuals. I don't even know what I've done to make someone block me anyway other than perhaps just being annoying on my own site lol I don't even interact with anyone for the most part.

May 3, 2023

Went to the theater on a whim yesterday to see Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. I love value days at the movie theater, because they get me to see new movies that I maybe hadn't really heard about or didn't think much of and lots of times I end up really enjoying what I see. I'm familiar with the book the movie is based on, so I figured it'd be cute at least. And it was! A really heartwarming and cozy movie I'd recommend! I think my husband was the only man in the theater; it was really nice hearing all the women laughing and reacting to all the portrayals of the little things we all probably experienced as girls hitting puberty.

Of course the mother-daughter relationship explored in the movie is a forever sore spot for me. What would it have been like to have a warm, accepting mother to comfort and guide me during those years of my life? I was on my own to figure it all out. I always thought I'd be able to "fix" things by being the mother I always wished I'd had, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I know the solution is to find a way to heal myself and accept things even though I'll never get an apology or even acknowledgement, but I find that so hard to face. It's unfair. I have to fix it by myself too?

And Mother's Day is coming up now too... I don't know how to have a proper family relationship. My husband's mom is so lovely, but I can't remove the walls (not even considering the language barrier). I feel fear and pain about navigating these family relationships, even though it's not my own family of origin. It may have been a foolish thought to think that I could create my own healthy little family if I were lucky enough to have kids, but I still think I would be a good mom. I just feel lost, alone, and afraid in the role of daughter, sister...

All I know about being in those roles is that if you let a sliver of yourself be seen or known, you're vulnerable to attack and ridicule. Everything inside me is unsafe. My relationship with my family is similar to my relationship with coworkers I don't know very well. Even coworkers I work with regularly know far, far more about me and my life than my parents do. It's sad, but it has to be that way. I'm not wholly incapable of forming healthy relationships, though I do struggle with creating new relationships in a similar manner. It's all a kind of paradox: I want nothing more than to show the world every shameful piece of myself, but I live in fear of being rejected for it. I end up in a never-ending cycle of expressing myself and withdrawing. No one on this Earth could give me the comfort and acceptance I need. It will never be enough. I am a bottomless pit.

Sure, maybe I can blame the origins of my problems on my childhood. But now I'm just my own problem. As if I'm the most wounded person in the world... Am I just too focused on myself? But if I'm not focused on my own inner experience, I don't see a point in anything at all. What is there outside of the inner world? Is there any meaning beyond that at all? Am I normal? Should I be ashamed of myself? Is all of this just an obscene, purposeless display of my own egocentrism? Who knows.

Now I am embarrassed, I want to hide. I haven't even posted a diary entry of much substance in some time because I've felt so ashamed of everything I write. I vacillate between a belief that all I need is to coddle and comfort myself and a belief that I just need to grow up. Is it "growing up" to push past my fear and post anyway? Or is growing up pushing it all aside and hiding it? Do all people feel this way and just hide it better? As a child, I didn't know how to hide it all. I didn't understand my family's insistence on supressing displays of emotion. Now as an adult, the shame pushed on me for being an outspoken and emotional child is in full effect. Only now I obey the god of emotional suppression with unwavering fealty.

I'm no closer to any big answers. But for now I'm choosing to share my feelings a little bit.