January 24, 2023

For like a month or so now I've been feeling super conflicted about my site. Basically when I created it, I wasn't sure I'd stick with it and had no expectation that I would because I tend to pick new things up and quickly drop them. So I didn't put really any care or thought into picking my url or naming my site and I'm kind of regretting it now. I don't like the idea of my site being so clearly tied to a major IP in something as clear as the name. Also I just feel like it doesn't actually do much to tell you anything about me and what to expect here. I may be overthinking it. I want to change it, but I want it to be as little of an inconvenience as possible.

My current idea is to just change the name of the site and do a redesign at the same time, but keep the same url. The url has the same issue, but I don't see any issue in having a url and site name that don't match, plus changing the url would be a headache. Simply changing the site name and not the url would minimize any confusion while making me feel better I think. And if I keep the site maintained long enough and ever decide to get a custom domain, then my neocities url would really be a non-issue. ...So if you see a complete redesign and name change in the near future, don't be too surprised!

In other news, we finally got a car to replace my husband's totaled car. Unfortunately we live in an area where you really do need a car to get anywhere, so living with one car was a pain at times. We considered waiting even longer to see if prices keep dropping, but found a good enough deal and decided to just go for it. I'm relieved to have that checked off the to do list. We also finally got around to getting the hotel and everything set up for our anniversary trip next month. I'm really looking forward to it.

Last week was super busy, but the next couple of weeks should be pretty relaxed. I'm hoping to get the house back in perfect order in between rest breaks. Other than cleaning and organizing, I've still been thinking about redecorating a bit. I wish I had a better conceptual eye for interior design. I really struggle with visualizing and imagining how things will look together in person. Basically I need to physically see the room I'm planning to know if I like it or not. I've been considering changing the guest bedroom to a guest bed/office/getting ready combo room. We have a queen bed in there right now that takes up most of the room, so I've thought about swapping it out for a day bed since we never really have overnight guests anyway. I've seen some really cute daybed options too so I'm really considering it. I have already cleaned up and reorganized my closet and dresser and it's so much more space-efficient now :3

January 12, 2023

I've been wanting to work on my site lately but just haven't had the time. Things have been a little chaotic lately. My husband was rear-ended last week and the car was totaled so we've been down to one car. He's safe, but having some back pain and getting treatment for that. It could've been much worse and I'm so glad it wasn't.

I've been just drowning myself in playing FFXIV even more lately since the new patch came out Tuesday. Over the weekend I was prepping for crafting/gathering and grinding out my PVP series levels to get the mount because I've been doing like no PVP during 6.2... I was doing PVP all day on Monday before the servers went down for patch maintenance and when they finally went down, I was in my 2nd to last match before hitting my next series level and getting the mount. I had a bit of a rage moment, tbh. But I got over it because spending all day running CC got me some achievements at least.

As for the new patch, I've been spending most of my time crafting and gathering so far, but did finish the MSQ last night. Don't want to go into spoilers, but I'm looking forward to 6.4! And 6.35 in the meantime. I haven't done the alliance raid yet, but planning to do it today and I am HYPED. Here's a screenshot of my WoL after clearing Lapis Manalis:

Do any of you also play FFXIV? If you do, please let me know so we can be friends :3 And if you don't, please check it out! The free trial has no limits on how much you can play and everything in the base game and first expansion is available on the free trial! There's so much to do in game and the community is great. Please check it out if you haven't!

January 3, 2023

Happy New Year~! ♥ I brought the new year in laying in bed with a cold and falling asleep immediately after midnight. My cold is getting a lot better, but still lingering. I was negative for covid, thankfully. My family's new year's day get together got postponed because apparently I'm not the only one who got sick after Christmas.

2022 was a year. I don't have a whole lot to say about it. I can't really remember many major notable events. We did have a pipe leak and that was a big deal. We went to the beach for summer vacation like we do every year. We did a trip to Hershey Park and finally got to ride Candymonium (which was incredible, btw). My health got better over the past year. So I guess there were some things that happened :3

Every year I feel like I end up in the middle ground between "new year, new me" and "absolutely nothing has changed, the year makes no difference". I think I love the concept of having a new start, but I have such an aversion to change that it's near impossible for me. Like maybe it'd be good for me to get out of the house more, but I'm comfortable in the house and most of the things I enjoy doing are here. I know loneliness and isolation is bad for humans, but I wonder if it's still bad if it's something you do by choice. I've been this way so long now that it's genuinely hard for me to tell what I'm doing because I like it and it's healthy for me vs. what I'm doing because my anxiety is preventing me from doing something different. I think that is something I'd like to work on. As a start for pushing past my anxiety-induced comfort zone, I made my husband force my to start reading simple things in Korean to get comfortable speaking again. Once I'm ok doing that, I plan to build up to simple conversations and then regular conversation. It's embarrassing to even admit that I've refused to speak more than a few words in Korean here and there over the past few years when I wasn't always like this. But I'm trying to change, so no use regretting now.

I'd also like to start working out again. I haven't even been playing DDR lately T_T Eating healthier is always a goal, but one I struggle to stick with. This will also be my first year truly being out of the fertility treatment game. I never want to go back. I feel a lot better since stopping treatment. It really put an intense strain on my mental and physical health. Of course approaching a potentially childless life comes with grief that will probably last forever, but trying to refocus and look at the positives of not having kids is nice in its own way. I wish there were more childless not by choice role models out there for me to look up to. The only one I can think of is Dolly Parton. This year I'd like to continue on my path of accepting that I may never have children and try to love my life for what it is.

I also want to put more effort into decorating the house and making it how I want. When we bought this house, we figured we'd probably be here maybe like 5 years give or take, but with the way the housing market it is, it's likely we'll be here for longer than that. We've already been here 5 years and no plans to move anytime soon. So basically I never bothered putting too much time and money into really making it my own, but that makes it kind of unpleasant to live in sometimes. My environment seems to make a notable difference in my mental state, so I think it'd be worth the effort to make things look nicer. The few pieces of furniture I already have that are truly "me" make me so happy every time I see them.

I've also considered trying to be more social this year, but I don't think I'll ever get out of my own way. Any time I meet people, I just feel like we have next to nothing in common and that they probably think I'm weird in a bad way. I don't mean just not having interests in common, but like... the way we think and feel seems so different. Aside from my husband, I have one friend who has been my best friend since middle school. The last time I made friends was in college, and obviously didn't keep any. I'm not close with my family either. The only way I've managed to stay friends with my one best friend is that she accepts that sometimes I will disappear for a bit with no contact. I just get no enjoyment from superficial relationships. I need some degree of intensity in my relationships or it just doesn't feel worth it to me. And when I say intensity, I don't mean getting into fights or anything dramatic. It's more like... We bare our souls, blood, guts, and all; a true, deep friendship for life. I'd genuinely rather be alone than have the kinds of friends I see so many people have. Being someone who wants to see and be seen completely or not at all combined with an extreme fear of rejection is a terrible combo if you want to make friends. I will continue doing nothing and reaching out to no one, and surely the perfect friend will show up at my door ^^;

In other news, the electric blanket I got for Christmas has been amazing *___* I always struggle with getting too hot or too cold but it's much easier to manage now. My cat is loving the electric blanket too ♥ We got pizza for dinner last night and they had a deal to get an extra large pizza for $5 so we did that and now we'll be eating basically nothing but pizza this week. But it was too good a deal to resist. Maybe I could try freezing some? I've never tried it before so I'm not sure how well it would handle the freeze and thaw but worth a shot I guess. Since I'm starting to feel better, we're planning on going to the movies tonight to see the new Puss in Boots movie. I keep hearing that it's actually really good, so I'm looking forward to it!